by Javier Bateman

Aries: “Wearing razorback singlets in public is definitely a crime.”

Taurus: “As you might know from Hamilton…”

Gemini: “Who wants to tell me what a meme is?”

Cancer: “You could write a poem about being a roll of toilet paper!”

Leo: “As you can tell, I am annoyed.”

Virgo: “He didn’t mean he had hanky-panky with the priests—he meant he killed them.”*

Libra: “We DO live in a society…”

Scorpio: “Oh great, another old dude!”**

Sagittarius: “Terrorism? Bad. But insurgency? It’s like, ‘Ooh, who’s this guy?’”

Capricorn: “I wish researching for these lectures didn’t make YouTube algorithms think I like listening to whiny men with shit facial hair cry about a culture war, but here we are.”**

Aquarius: “War is not a…pleasant topic.”

Pisces: “But what is your identity?”

* In regards to saying an Ottoman general wanted to ‘pierce’ priests.

** Meaning Italian dictator Benito Mussolini

*** Said by my tutor at 8am for his unit ‘Politics of the Modern Middle East’

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Javier Bateman (they/he) is a trans nonbinary, chronically ill writer, history nerd and poet. He resides on unceded Whadjuk Noongar Boodjar. He’s been published in Enbylife journal and Blue Bottle Journal and has upcoming projects with Sunder Journal and Goblincat Zines. You can find them at @romeo_no_homeo on Instagram.