by Helen Cumberdale

Popularity hacks for the charismatically-challenged.

1. Random British accent

This is an excellent way to insert yourself into a conversation. It works because British accents are funny — everyone thinks so — and they’re easy to imitate.

1. Stand outside the group and listen in on their conversation.
2. When someone says a phrase that would sound good in a British accent, repeat the phrase to the group in a British accent (Cockney, the Queen’s English, whatever you’re most comfortable with) as loudly as you can.
3. The group will laugh and welcome you into their conversation.

2. “George is getting upset!” (aka the Seinfeld approach)

So, you’ve seen every single episode of ground-breaking 90s sitcom Seinfeld. In fact, you’ve seen every episode dozens of times. It stands to reason, then, that everyone else has, too.

Seinfeld is a universally loved television show. It has the power to bridge generational gaps and unite feuding factions. You must, therefore, never underestimate the power of a perfectly-timed Seinfeld quote. Whether you’re addressing a group of elderly Greek men at an orthodox church service, or babysitting your nine-year-old niece and her disconcertingly sassy friends, your Seinfeld quote will be met with recognition and delight.

Test the waters with a “Serenity now!”, followed by the Elaine Dance^TM.

Feeling bold? Try out a deeper cut. I recommend filling an awkward silence with “That outdated furniture, so un-Karl Farbman-like”, or “My wife has an inner ear infection.” The lack of context will make your quote even more special.

3. Speaking of awkward silences …

Remember: it is your job to fill awkward silences. I repeat: it is your job to fill awkward silences. Do not let any gap in the conversation go for longer than 4 seconds, otherwise you will ruin the social interaction, and everyone will talk about you behind your back for ages afterwards.

4. Fill them with what, pray tell?

I’m glad you asked.

I find doing something bizarre and unexpected is an effective strategy. Try an impromptu Charleston, with jazz hands and everything. Or reach into your purse, pull out a tampon, and twirl it about like a little lasso.

This is a trick ripped straight from the playbook of Natalie Portman’s character in Garden State (I forget her character’s name. Did her character have a name? Either way, it’s not important). Portman’s character often broke into a spirited jig, or a nonsensical string of gobbledygook words whilst flapping her hands about her face. 

And it worked! It was adorable. Zac Braff was rapt, and it was definitely because of her grasp on the bizarre non-sequitur, and not because Natalie Portman is objectively very beautiful.

5. “Oh, I don’t follow football.”

The thing about people who are into sport, is that they aren’t aware there are other, less idiotic ways with which to occupy their time. This is where you come in: you’re here to ignite their cultural awakening.

 1. When faced with the question, “Who do you follow?” or “Which team do you support?”, meet the question with a blank look. This demonstrates how little time you dedicate to thinking about sport (I’m using football in this example).

2. When they clarify they are talking about football, respond with, “Oh, I don’t follow football.” If your hair is long enough, flick it over your shoulder.

3. This will pique their curiosity, as they’ve likely never spoken to someone who doesn’t follow football before. They will ask you what you do with your time instead. 

4. This is your opportunity to demonstrate your sophistication. Tell them about the things you do (book club, film club, American politics, Toast Masters, etc). Not only will your opponent be impressed by your clever hobbies, but they will appreciate that you have told them about other, better things than football. This immediately makes you more likeable.

Bonus points for:

“Oh, I don’t follow football. I find the culture quite toxic.”

“Oh, I don’t follow football. It’s overly corporatised, and the players are paid far too much.”

“Oh, I don’t follow football. Imagine a world in which the Arts got the same attention as sport? Just imagine? Can you name one living Australian artist? When was the last time you went to a play? A small production put on by an independent theatre company? When when was the last time you read a book written by a woman? When was <and so on and so forth>”

6. Ted Lasso sucks! And other controversial opinions

“Ted Lasso, right? What an absolute saccharine nightmare!”

This is the sort of statement that will win you the respect and affection of your peers. As with Number 5, you’re actually providing a pretty valuable service when you point out someone’s recreational deficits. And everyone loves a contrarian, right?

I suggest making a list of beloved things and just blowing the whole thing wide open. Taylor Swift? Hamilton? The Met Gala? David Attenborough?? Bah humbug! 

Now, sit back and watch your social capital skyrocket.

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